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Author
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Topic: I was attacked today by two...
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wilit
Mustang Messiah
Member # 3367
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posted
 
 
turkeys. No, not jive turkeys, real-life-honest-to-God turkeys.
In Walnut Creek at the corner of Via Monte and Ygnacio Valley, there are two beautiful toms that live in front of this office building. I see them there every day. I've walked past these two fuckers which I'll call Tom and Jake many times without incident. About a month ago while driving home, I saw a scooter pull out of a driveway and cruise down Via Monte towards the corner at Ygnacio. These two potential pot-pies break into a full on sprint down the sidewalk as the scooter passes by. Not thinking they're chasing the pussy on the scooter, I'm thinking I'm going to see these two majestic birds whom Ben Franklin himself lobbied to be our national symbol, get flattened like a Looney Toon by some passing big rig as they try and cross Ygnacio. Wrong. They get to the corner and start attacking the "guy" on the scooter. He's rolling forward, backward, honking his horn, everything he can think of to try and spook them, but they're right there on him like white on rice. Eventually he gets a break in traffic and speeds off. The entire time I'm laughing my ass off.
Fast forward to today and now it's my turn. I'm on the bike and I pass the corner of the building these two fuckers live at. I'm whistling dixie to myself because it's such a beautiful day, I haven't a care in the world and I'm looking forward to my ride home through Marsh Creek Rd. Out of the corner of my eye, I spy Tom and Jake. They spotted me. I turned to look at them and we locked eyes for what seemed an eternity. They start running along the sidewalk in full stride. Tom was sprinting like he was returning a punt down the sidelines with Jake running interference. Instantly I thought to myself. FUCK ME!
Sure as shit, it's me they're after. I stop at the red light and that's when the melee began. Tom is clearly the aggressor as he did most of the shit talking and pecking. Jake, I believe, was either there for moral support or turkeys fight like bad guys in Kung Fu movies. One attacks and when he gets his ass kicked, it's the other one's turn to fight. Either way, they run up on me all swoll up, gobbling like crazy and now I'm the douche honking my horn, rolling forward and backward to try and get away from the lightning fast jabs that Tom is throwing. None of my threatening sounds are deterring them. The horn on my Honda is clearly ineffective as it is blasting away in a frequency too high for turkeys, or Asian drivers for that matter, to hear.
Then I remember all of the liberal teachings I received in the California public education system. I'll try and reason with them. I politely tell them in soft soothing tones that they have mistaken me for a threat and I mean them no harm. I explain to them that I don't believe in violence and would like to have a real dialoge with them where we can share our feelings. Their response? A swift peck to the knee cap. These two ninjas cannot be reasoned with. Jake is pacing back and forth,seemingly goading on Tom. Tom is pecking at my leg like a woodpecker going to town on a Japanese Maple. That's when I decide to fight back. I give Tom all 6.5 inches of my size 9 Chuck Taylors. Tom is stunned by my Thor like blow, but he quickly recovers his wits and counters my move with a Chuck Norris like roundhouse kick. Clearly I'm outmatched as my Converse All-Stars are blunt and inflict no damage whereas Tom's razor like talons have been sharpened by knife maker Gil Hibben himself. Tom is attacking with a series of pecks and kicks and I'm keeping him at bay as best I can with my leg while trying not to loose my balance and topple over with my 800 pound sofa on wheels pinning me to the asphalt. That's when things escalated. Jake, clearly frustrated by being Tom's padawan for far too long decides to join in the fight. He runs to the other side of the bike. FUCK! I've been out flanked.
Clearly these are no normal turkeys as this is a coordinated attack. General Patton himself would have been proud of the pincer maneuver these two strategic geniuses have made. There I am, straddling the bike, fighting on two fronts, defending myself from certain death. Thoughts of my wife and child are running through my head. Who will care for them after I have been pecked to death by the beaks of these teufelgeflügel? Just as I thought all hope was lost, the light miraculously turned green and I cheezed it out of there as fast as all 55 horsepower could take me. As I sped away, I'm certain Tom yelled an ethnic slur at me. Perhaps this was a hate crime. In reality, I'll never know their true motive. What I do know is, I'm alive. Thank God all-mighty, I'm alive.
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"If a man hasn't found something worth dying for, he isn't fit to live." - Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 4793 | From: 37.78514° North 122.40100° West | Registered: Oct 2003
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86turbocoupe
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Member # 10454
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posted
ahahahaahahaahh great story...thanks for sharing..bro...it reminds me of the movie " step brothers" ..now you gonna have to take the long way home so you dont get attacked by turkeys
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89lxhatch-rip
81 4cylinder swap-rip
86coupe- F303 1.7 RR bored and carb'd 309 5 lug mach1 brakeS DD FR500S bbk longtubes o/r h-pipe
Posts: 521 | From: 510 | Registered: Nov 2010
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Raelsmar
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Member # 9804
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posted
quote:
Originally posted by 86turbocoupe:
ahahahaahahaahh great story...thanks for sharing..bro...it reminds me of the movie " step brothers" ..now you gonna have to take the long way home so you dont get attacked by turkeys
Haha. Not the white poop.
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2010 Genesis 2.0T
If you can read this, then it's burrito time
Originally posted by 2T0NE
Niners deserve to lose
Raiders Lakers A's
Posts: 3768 | From: Vallejo, CA | Registered: Feb 2010
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Mr.Lucky
CAFords OG
Member # 1772
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posted
Rollin! Lmfao
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95GT: Bolt ons.
Good sellers/buyers: Stangs R Us, 1SicGt, sn4bwc, racsirx, WickedStang, Autumnstang97, cali95gt
Posts: 4197 | From: Manteca | Registered: Sep 2002
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SLOWBACK 67
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Member # 6348
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posted
LOL...... Where did you copy/paste this. ![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
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Originally posted by turbo50:
I have no intenions of keeping anyones parts or taking anyones money.
Posts: 8582 | From: Vallejo | Registered: Dec 2005
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wilit
Mustang Messiah
Member # 3367
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posted
quote:
Originally posted by Slowback67:
LOL...... Where did you copy/paste this.
It's no joke man. This for real happened to me today. Google it. The only other place you'll find it is on BARF, where I posted it first.
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"If a man hasn't found something worth dying for, he isn't fit to live." - Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 4793 | From: 37.78514° North 122.40100° West | Registered: Oct 2003
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uh0h50
CAFords OG
Member # 3125
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posted
That had me rolling lol
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AP1 S2000
Posts: 2926 | From: Bay Area 510 | Registered: Jul 2003
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SLOWBACK 67
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Member # 6348
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posted
I just let my wife read this and she couldn't stop laughing..... She said she would have paid to see this happen. You should quit your day job and become a writer. ![[Cool]](cool.gif)
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Originally posted by turbo50:
I have no intenions of keeping anyones parts or taking anyones money.
Posts: 8582 | From: Vallejo | Registered: Dec 2005
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89foxstang
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Member # 5908
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posted
Haha awesome story! Had me laughing!
Posts: 825 | From: Davis | Registered: Aug 2005
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BULLITTMAN
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Member # 8468
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posted
This had me laughing too...LMAO very well written... Somebody on a bike must have pissed these tough guys off and now they're taking it out on all bikes...LOL Get them back by throwing some turkey legs at them...hahahaha
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R.I.P Little Bro Willie Guzman (5LTRSVT) 4/24/87 - 11/23/12
01 Bullitt #3102 Stroked and blown
Built and tuned by Shaun at AED
14 Fiesta ST
Posts: 1354 | From: San Jose | Registered: Jun 2008
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wichoms4
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Member # 10900
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posted
hahaha you made my day.. great story.. ![[patriot]](graemlins/patriot.gif)
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1998 CAMARO SS
Anyone can shift an auto, but not too many can bang gears...
Posts: 427 | From: San Jose | Registered: May 2011
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Camara90
1%
Member # 134
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posted
Good read, its nice to know there are some people who can read and write something on the site!!! Shit had me rolling!! You are a lot nicer then me, I would be plotting revenge that included a deep fryer. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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92GT,stock short block,9:1 TFS 170's,perf rpm,custom cam,1 5/8 shorties,C4 trans.
std. 356hp, 350tq
11.85@111.9mph on motor.
Posts: 2351 | From: 707 | Registered: Jan 2001
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NvrGoFullRetard
CAFords OG
Member # 1633
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posted
I had my girl read this, and she said she has seen this happen a few times on the road and in the medical parking lot for her john muir office. They had to call animal control for turkeys attacking their customers on la Casa via off of ygnacio.
[ July 09, 2011, 01:55 AM: Message edited by: 4.6 EATIN GM'S ]
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"formally 4.6 eatin gm's"
white 97gt n/a 320rwhp/325rwtq
01 sierra rcsb lsx 408 (murdered out)
03 ecsb sierra 6.0 on 22's
2011 Tahoe
Posts: 2759 | From: PITTSBURG/FAIRFIELD | Registered: Aug 2002
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AL STOCK
Its All Stock
Cuzzon
Member # 1852
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posted
Posts: 6498 | From: San Bruno | Registered: Sep 2002
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Pumpkin_Notch
TEAM PLATINUM
Member # 3946
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posted
R.o.f.l. dammm crazy ass story hilarious thanks for sharing ![[dance]](graemlins/dance.gif)
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TEAM PLATINUM
87LX: T-TOP PUMPKIN NOTCH
94N.C.F.GT: 418w
www.facebook.com/PLATINUM1320tv
Posts: 2790 | From: RICHMOND/sanpablo | Registered: Dec 2003
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fstryde3
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Member # 8436
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posted
LOL jive turkey
Posts: 2950 | From: Sacramento | Registered: Jun 2008
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Stangn5oh
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Member # 10875
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posted
Hekka funny bro, and nicely written
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88 lx
17 Renegade turbo
18 Compass 4x4
Hit the gasser, go faster, all u heard was dual exhaust n flowmasters.
Posts: 1643 | From: Sacramento | Registered: Apr 2011
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wht2000gt
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Member # 10127
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posted
Awesome story. I was laughing my Ass off. Had my wife read it and she was amazed how well written it was also.
Posts: 547 | From: East Bay | Registered: Jul 2010
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Anderthizzle
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Member # 7910
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posted
Man that was funny,you should be a writer.Did you have a turkey sandwich for lunch?
Posts: 1056 | From: Here and there | Registered: Sep 2007
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andyman_2k01
CAFords OG
Member # 1448
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posted
I used to work at a construction company located at 1301 Ygnacio. Those 2 big turkeys used to hang out and walk around in our parking lot. I wouldn't doubt that they would do something like this, as I always sensed something was off about them. They would literally stop in their tracks and stare people down...hilarious, but intimidating to.
Posts: 1503 | From: Bay Area, CA | Registered: Jun 2002
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Pure Stang
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Member # 7251
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posted
Lol thanks for the read man.
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HEART BREAKER
R.I.P Willie Guzman (5ltrsvt) you will be missed brother.
04/24/87 - 11/23/2012
90 lx 347 RIP
86 gt
89 lx- next project
Posts: 6497 | From: San Jose | Registered: Nov 2006
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FOXX5.0
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Member # 9094
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posted
Lmfao
Posts: 1554 | From: (~__~) | Registered: Apr 2009
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DevonShelbyGT
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Member # 8696
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posted
best cafords post ive ever read. period.
Posts: 299 | From: Sacramento, CA | Registered: Oct 2008
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