1996 GT
I'm Joe Yates
Member # 4992
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posted
 
 
Some poops, you relief immediately. Some poops, you feel good for an hour. Really great poops, you feel good for the rest of the day. This poop, this one transcended all. This was a life-altering poop. My life is divided into two halves: Before this poop, and after this poop. Almost a year later, I still feel good. I will probably feel good from this poop for as long as I live. In that way, I consider this experience to be a small blessing.
After I had knee surgery, I woke up with a voracious appetite, probably due to the muscle loss, and all of the immediate physical therapy during recovery. I was downing protein shakes, eggs, toast, hearty soups, chicken, fresh fruit. I just wasn't pooping. It might sound crazy, but when you're in that much pain, it's possible to forget about pooping.
I hadn't even been into the bathroom very often; getting out of bed was so much work, that mostly I peed into buckets for my girlfriend to dump. Many days after surgery, I was feeling sick to my stomach. I thought it was from the pain killers and from laying in bed for so long.
I felt a great rumbling in my stomach, and my body presented me with a feeling of great urgency; I knew I better get to the bathroom quickly. I called to my girlfriend, who helped me hobble to the bathroom on crutches. Lowering myself to the toilet, balancing on crutches and my one good leg, I had no idea that my life was about to change forever.
I have never had a poop be so loud, or explode so violently out of me. Ten seconds of terror, as my bowels evacuated like never before. Blasting poop, water splashing back up onto me, blasts of gas releasing, followed by poop, followed by more gas, and more poop. I felt my stomach getting smaller. I had to brace myself. I felt tremendous amounts of mass moving through my system. For a moment, I never thought it was going to end. I was no longer in control of my fate, I sat there helpless, simply along for the ride. After what seemed like an eternity, deafening silence. It was over.
My entire body tingled. I felt lighter. I was covered in sweat, and breathing heavily. I felt high, delirious, in shock and awe. Great waves of increasing euphoria washed over me. Feelings of amazing pleasure I simply cannot describe. I felt as if I was bathing in a golden light of goodness. This was a transcending event. I felt like I had just touched the universe itself.
I down, in amazement at what lay beneath me. I simply could not believe my eyes. There was a mountain of fecal matter, filling the entire bowl, and reaching several inches up out of the water. It was almost touching my ass, and I had to be careful not to let my balls drop down into it. It was unreal. I can't tell you how long I sat there staring.
The silence was only broken by my girlfriend yelling through the bathroom door. "Are you ok in there?" She became worried when I didn't respond immediately. I was in disbelief.
I knew when I saw that mountain of poo, that chances were, this would be it: the mightiest shit of my life. The epic poop that all other epic poops would be compared to. I knew then that I could not let this moment pass unrecorded, or I would truly regret it for the rest of my life. If I were to describe this poop to others, nobody would believe me. I needed photographic proof; it would be a crime against everything I believe in, and the very universe for me to not take pictures.
Finally, I yelled back through the bathroom door.
Me: "Jen? Are you there?"
Girlfriend: "Yes, are you ok?"
Me: "I'm fine, I'm beyond fine. Ok, Jen. Listen very carefully. I need you to get my camera."
Girlfriend: "WHAT!? NO!"
Me: "Jen, you have to trust me. My camera is on my desk. Put my macro lens on it, and attach my flash."
Girlfriend: "I will NOT have any part of this!"
Me: "I need you to do this for me. Don't make me hobble out there to get the camera myself!"
Girlfriend: "Are you fucking serious?"
Me: "Yes. Either you get my camera, or I'll come out there and get it."
Girlfriend: "Fine, but ONLY because you are recovering from surgery. I hate you!"
Still high, and in a very altered state of mind, I managed to get to my feet. I got up on my crutches, and carefully turned around, still trying to come to terms with what I had created. Staring into the bowl, I felt like it was staring back out at me.
In comes my girlfriend. Immediately overwhelmed by the smell, she was disgusted by what I was doing, and disgusted that she was going along with it. Her eyes accidentally land on the contents of the toilet bowl, and she goes "UUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!". Jen hands me my Nikon DSLR, and runs out of the bathroom, yelling that I am disgusting - and that, in this moment, she cannot remember why she loves me.
So there I am: delirious, high, adrenaline pumping through my veins, sweating, wearing nothing but my knee immobilizer, camera strap around my neck, balancing on crutches and my one good leg, and trying not to fall over while using thousands of dollars worth of photographic equipment to take a picture of my poop. Getting a good angle was tricky. I felt as if I was having an out of body experience, and I couldn't stop laughing. The moment didn't seem real.
After taking the best pictures I could given the circumstance, I called for my girlfriend to come back in for my camera.
Girlfriend: "I HAVE TO COME BACK IN THERE?!"
Me: "You don't want me to drop my camera, do you?"
Girlfriend: "… FINE!"
She came back in, plugging her nose and closing her eyes, letting me know that "In this moment, I hate you!".
Honestly, she was a really good sport about the whole thing. For the record, she is a silly, loving, understanding person, and unbelievably patient with me. I smiled at her as she walked back out of the bathroom.
Relaxing onto my crutches, I looked at the mountain of poop for what I knew would be the last time, feeling a mixture of peace and admiration. Delirium had mostly given way to tranquilly. I knew I would never see anything like this again, but I had my pictures, and it was time to say goodbye. It was sad, but nothing lasts for ever - not even the most epic monuments of fecal magnificence.
It did not go easy, no - this poop was a fighter. The amount of fecal matter created a seal around the exit to the toilet, and the water levels started to dangerously rise. I grabbed the lid off the toilet, and stopped the water flow. While on crutches, I had to fight with the plunger, and knock the mound aside so it could begin to exit. Slowly, it began to drain out, bit by bit. All in all, it took about five flushes for it all to go down.
Only then could I lower myself back down again, and clean myself off. My ass was still wet from the water which splashed up onto me, and I used a hand towel to wipe the sweat off of my body. I was surprised my ass didn't hurt at all, but in retrospect, it was probably due to all the endorphins and adrenaline still in my system.
I managed to get up again, and cripple my way back to the bedroom, grinning and laughing. I still felt wonderful, and I wanted to tell the entire world. My girlfriend gave me a dirty look as I walked in.
Me: "That… that was AMAZING - I ..."
Girlfriend: "No! No! No! Stop! No! I love you, but I am not going to hear a story about your poop. You are disgusting."
Me: "But, Jen, I - You don't understand. It …"
Girlfriend: "No. No. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to see the pictures. You are gross. Go tell all all your guy friends, I don't care. I want no part of this!"
Me: "But, Jen, it was so…"
Girlfriend (Covering her ears): "I AM NOT LISTENING! I AM NOT LISTENING! I AM NOT LISTENING!"
Me: "If you had any idea of what I went through in there, you would be nothing but happy for me."
Girlfriend: "You. Are. DISGUSTING!"
After she helped me get back in bed, propped my leg back up with the ice cuff, and got me a drink, I had her bring my laptop and my memory card. Drinking another protein shake, I anxiously downloaded the photos. What if, in my altered state of mind, they were out of focus, or blurry? I would never forgive myself. Soon, as the photos downloaded one by one, my fears were quieted. They were beautiful - well, as beautiful as something of this nature can be.
I immediately got to work. Cropping, sharpening, rotating, getting the color and white balance just right. Finally, it was ready for the world.
I sent the photos to my friend, and gave him a call. He was repulsed, but amazed. Jen left the room while we discussed what I had just experienced.
Experience the wonder and amazement: Mountain of poo NSFW NSFW
If you have ever tried to photograph your poop, you would know how hard it is to get a good picture. There is really no sense of scale when you point a camera into a toilet bowl. Any time you take a picture, the poop in the photo looks far smaller than it is in real life. You also need to understand that what you see is only the tip of the iceberg, per se. The entire "caved out" area of the toilet was full, with a mountain of more poop sitting on top of it, several inches high. As detailed as the pictures are, believe me when I say even they truly do not do it justice. I can only imagine how many pounds this weighed. In person, it simply looked impossible, and beyond belief.
If I walked in on a poop like that, I would sooner believe it was some sort of prank, than it actually being something that came out of someone.
I've tried to relay these feelings to many people, but so far, I don't think anyone has ever truly understood. I don't think you can understand until you've been there, losing over ten pounds of poop in ten seconds. To say it was at least equal in size to a football is not an exaggeration. The euphoria one feels - you really have to experience it. Someday, I hope to find someone who has been through a similar experience. Somebody is bound to understand me, one day.
Looking back, I can remember the tranquilly I felt, the elation, and I can't help but smile. I still feel relief, even after all this time.
Best. Poop. Ever.
[ May 22, 2012, 01:20 AM: Message edited by: Cobra 93-4992 ]
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