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Topic: Ass Shaving Blunder

solbrothers
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Member # 7524

posted

Don't Shave That Hair!!!
I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble ****ting.
No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my butt-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my buttcheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.

I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my butt of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My butt was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know.

I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two buttcheaks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.

Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic ****- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky ****/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-d**n, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.

Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my butt off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering ****/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my butt cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own **** blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."

Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my butt at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for butt-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my buttcheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.

As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your butt having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR BUTT-HAIR!

http://www.ducatimonster.org/s...cseen

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2100+ posts, 15 useful

Posts: 2172 | From: vallejo | Registered: Mar 2007 | :

Dave50
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Member # 5238

posted

Skinny people are so lost when it comes to "swamp ass". Its so easy to fix, simply pull about 6 inches of TP out fold it into a 1 1/2-2 inch piece (depending on crack depth-fatness) spread butt and insert "manpon" Problem solved. Use your own teqnique for removal as styles differ depending on fluids absorbed.

[ April 26, 2008, 02:13 AM: Message edited by: Dave50 ]

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Obama 09 "YES WE CAN!"

Posts: 552 | From: lincoln | Registered: Jan 2005 | :

solbrothers
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Member # 7524

posted

LOL

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2100+ posts, 15 useful

Posts: 2172 | From: vallejo | Registered: Mar 2007 | :

stangin'
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Member # 514

posted

that's classic. most women don't have hair there, maybe micro hair?, and they don't seem to suffer from those symptoms. [Confused]

Posts: 2993 | From: Bay Area | Registered: Oct 2001 | :

Blue Oval
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Member # 2548

posted

sounds like you got a sweat issue....lol a stair climb and your ass is soaked...

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65 Coupe 306, AFR's
89 Cali. Ed. Saleen "sold"
BAB 89 GT
08 Yamaha R6

Posts: 2345 | From: Sacramento | Registered: Mar 2003 | :

9cobrasnake9
CAFords OG
Member # 575

posted

that was perhaps the funniest thing i have read in awhile! Sorry for your troubles-

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96 Mystic Cobra
2011 F150 Raptor

Posts: 893 | From: Chico, Ca | Registered: Nov 2001 | :

solbrothers
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Member # 7524

posted

glad you guys liked it [Razz]

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2100+ posts, 15 useful

Posts: 2172 | From: vallejo | Registered: Mar 2007 | :

30Tunes
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Member # 8105

posted

think thats bad, shave your balls. haha

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SUCCESS ONLY COMES BEFORE WORK IN THE DICTIONARY

1991 Calypso Green Notch
1993 Cobra Clone - SOLD

Posts: 829 | From: Bay Area | Registered: Dec 2007 | :

Mr.Lucky
CAFords OG
Member # 1772

posted