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Author
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Topic: Friday Funny
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castor
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Member # 2765
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posted
 
 
TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR FALLING ASLEEP AT YOUR DESK
1 "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
2 "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
3 "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
4 "Amen"
5 "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
6 "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
7 "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
8 "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
9 "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
10 "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
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SOLD!!! 7/07
Supercharged 92GT
352rwhp [old blower w/3 1/2lbs]
???rwhp w/S-Trim
2010 Acura MDX Tech/Entertainment
2013 Acura TL SH-AWD
Posts: 1457 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Apr 2003
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xvt's 85 5.0
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Member # 4765
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posted
Who's biggest?
Three third graders from Tennessee (an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Redneck kid) are on the playground at recess.
The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. _"Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.
"Okay." _They all agree. The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
"That's nothing," says the Irish kid. _He whips his out and proudly
shows that his is at least an inch longer. Not to be outdone, the
Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far not only the biggest, but also the fattest.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie'."
"What kind of game is that, honey?" _asks the mother.
"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! _The other kids say it's because I'm a Redneck. _Is that true, Mom?"
Mom replies, "No, Honey. _It's because you're 21."
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CBR 600RR
CBR 600 F4
Posts: 489 | From: San Jose | Registered: Aug 2004
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stangless
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Member # 1414
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posted
quote:
Originally posted by xvt's 85 5.0:
Who's biggest?
Three third graders from Tennessee (an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Redneck kid) are on the playground at recess.
The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. _"Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.
"Okay." _They all agree. The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
"That's nothing," says the Irish kid. _He whips his out and proudly
shows that his is at least an inch longer. Not to be outdone, the
Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far not only the biggest, but also the fattest.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie'."
"What kind of game is that, honey?" _asks the mother.
"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! _The other kids say it's because I'm a Redneck. _Is that true, Mom?"
Mom replies, "No, Honey. _It's because you're 21."
\
hahaha
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=(
Posts: 4634 | From: bay | Registered: Jun 2002
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castor
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Member # 2765
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posted
hahahahha
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SOLD!!! 7/07
Supercharged 92GT
352rwhp [old blower w/3 1/2lbs]
???rwhp w/S-Trim
2010 Acura MDX Tech/Entertainment
2013 Acura TL SH-AWD
Posts: 1457 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Apr 2003
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xvt's 85 5.0
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Member # 4765
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posted
Another.......
***A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and
says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize
that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.
OPRAH:
Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which
is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having
the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just
want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The
chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not
yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now
against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain
against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see
it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going.
I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain
truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening
to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of
how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to
accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together,
in peace.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross
roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \ reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move
beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your
definition of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?
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CBR 600RR
CBR 600 F4
Posts: 489 | From: San Jose | Registered: Aug 2004
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xvt's 85 5.0
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Member # 4765
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posted
Ok last one.....I'm leaving "work" early today ![[Whoo Whooooo!]](graemlins/woowoo.gif) ![[dance]](graemlins/dance.gif)
A little boy about 12 years old walked down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a House
of illrepute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam thought why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any venereal diseases?" Of course the Madam said no.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after sex with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed amphibian behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked,"Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the diease that I just caught"
"When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it".
"In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Postman will deliver the Post, have a quickie with Mum and catch the clap, and HE'S the bastard who ran over my FROG!"
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CBR 600RR
CBR 600 F4
Posts: 489 | From: San Jose | Registered: Aug 2004
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asskickn88
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Member # 4957
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posted
Now this is funny!
[ June 08, 2007, 06:42 PM: Message edited by: asskickn88 ]
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Three 540 Bimmers and a 5.0 Explorer.... got a Ford back in the stable!
It's time for the country to do what Obama's own father did.
Abandon him.
Posts: 6069 | From: Rocklin, Ca | Registered: Oct 2004
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