This is topic Random Chuck Norris Facts. Post Them in forum General Talk at Northern California Ford Owners .
To visit this topic, use this URL:
https://californiafords.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=033528
Posted by kingroy (Member # 7736) on
:
Post your favorite Chuck Norris facts.
Here's one of mines.
Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.
Posted by S281 #314.... AKA SydeWayzSix (Member # 3596) on
:
(stolen from a previous chuck norris thread):
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris
can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the
speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was
flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
face.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided
to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse
kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths
have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered,
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the
crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME
IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with
Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this
statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of
the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse
kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that,
Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school
football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to
let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused
kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang
every girl in the stadium.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too
much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera
or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He
always makes it to Oregon before you.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate,
but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to
him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Posted by 1HaTCheD5LiTEr (Member # 8269) on
:
chuck norris doesn't have any hair on his testicles because hair doesn't grow on steel
when chuck norris does push ups, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world down
chuch norris once played a game of monkey in the middle........by himself
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posted by Cobraboy (Member # 7826) on
:
It is rumored that Chuck Norris movies are utter shit. These rumors are true.
Posted by 532Fastback (Member # 1482) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Cobraboy:
It is rumored that Chuck Norris movies are utter shit. These rumors are true.
Agreed.
Posted by BlackNGold (Member # 655) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by 1HaTCheD5LiTEr:
chuck norris doesn't have any hair on his testicles because hair doesn't grow on steel
LOL
Posted by 98 GT (Member # 7944) on
:
chuck norris is so fast that he ran around in circles with his fist out and knocked himself over.
in the movie jurassic park the t-rex was chasing the jeep and chuck norris was chasing the t-rex
Posted by warhorse58gt (Member # 7702) on
:
they once tried to make chuck norris tp..
the only problem was chuck norris don't take any shit.
Posted by AL STOCK (Member # 1852) on
:
These are some funny ass shit hahahahahahaha
Chuck Norris FTW!
Posted by gtowned (Member # 8156) on
:
Posted by RioredGT (Member # 2300) on
:
Chuck Norris visited the Virgin Islands..... now they're just known as the Islands ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Posted by mustanghp950 (Member # 6589) on
:
The Bogeyman checks under his bed for Chuck Norris
Posted by v-town coupe (Member # 2771) on
:
-If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
-Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
-Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
-Chuck Norris is the mastermind behind all creations at vivid video.
-Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
-While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
-Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
-Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
-Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
-Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
thats enough for now these are so stupid their funny!
Posted by Trunkster (Member # 6598) on
:
Chuck Norris can pop a wheelie on a unicycle.
Posted by Rookie07gt (Member # 7536) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by gtowned:
honestly this thread be making me crack up! but this one made it the most! haha ![[patriot]](graemlins/patriot.gif)
Posted by Insurance Dude (Member # 8241) on
:
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
[ August 22, 2008, 07:25 PM: Message edited by: Insurance Dude ]
Posted by 04cobra408 (Member # 4025) on
:
chuck norris uses Michael Phelps sweat for steroids!
Posted by liftedF150 (Member # 868) on
:
rofl this thread is awesome!
Posted by sic5pointSLOW (Member # 4347) on
:
whahahahahhaha
Posted by Venomized93 (Member # 55) on
:
Hahahahaha, here is a great one:
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
Here are some others:
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Posted by Blue91LX (Member # 8320) on
:
N o r r i s this is the chorus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPjQlkkhDcI
Posted by kingroy (Member # 7736) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Blue91LX:
N o r r i s this is the chorus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPjQlkkhDcI
dude, this video is hella funny. Especially the guy with the stunna shades on.
Fueled by Ford Mustang Owners
on CaliforniaFords.com